An Absence of Trust

I saw anger on his face for the first time. I had pushed too hard. I would have to be patient until he was ready. I could think of nothing else to do. I turned and walked slowly up the stairs to our bedroom. I would be alone tonight and I doubted I would sleep very much.

I don't know when I finally fell asleep, but when I awoke I felt groggy and listless. I eventually pushed myself out of bed and put on my robe, heading down to the kitchen. As I passed the guest room, the door was open and I hesitated when I saw the bed was made.

When I arrived in the kitchen, Howard was nowhere to be found. He had already left for work. His breakfast dishes rested in the sink and the coffee maker sat quietly with only one cup missing from the pot. I retrieved a mug and poured my first cup of what I expected would be several that day.

I checked my office messages and then left a message for my secretary that I wouldn't be in that afternoon. I remembered I had an opening night to attend in the evening. It was the last thing I wanted to do, especially if Howard was prepared to talk to me. However, I was committed to it and I would just have to apologize to Howard. I was going to be doing a lot of that in the coming weeks and months I realized.

Chapter 3: A Strategy for Recovery: Howard

I arose early to avoid seeing Edie this morning. I wanted my day free to contemplate my next move. I noticed Edie had an event scheduled this evening and I smiled. It would give me time to prepare. It would delay my having to talk to her for another day and give me the opportunity to begin my search for evidence of any misbehavior. I would have to hope that as usual, only a major catastrophe would keep her from attending whatever function she had planned.

Perhaps it was my long walk last evening or perhaps because I had begun to map out my future, I slept well. I awoke refreshed and surprisingly confident. I had a rough plan of action and I had a sense of direction.

Yes, I will no longer be Howard Carver, obliging husband, and as some might think, eunuch. It's a role that I intended to correct. I think Edie is in for a big surprise when she learns she has a different husband than she thought she had. No longer a pushover. I will use my voice to make myself clearly understood. I will dominate from now on. It will be part of my new persona.

I made myself busy for the balance of the day, asking my secretary not to put any calls through to me from outside unless they were urgent. As I expected, shortly before three that afternoon Edie had called and left a message that she would be attending a live theatre opening and wouldn't be home for dinner. She apologized profusely and promised that we could talk tomorrow.

I left early that afternoon, arriving home an hour sooner than normal. As usual, I was left to prepare my own meal from whatever I could find in the refrigerator and pantry. I chose a soup and sandwich combination with a glass of red wine. Simple, quick and easy to clean up afterwards. I wanted to get started on my search.

I began with Edie's computer. She was not an expert user and I knew from previous experience that she kept her calendar and her e-mail correspondence on Outlook, just as I did. I was surprised when I found she had password protected access to the operating system. I had no idea she knew how to do that, but nonetheless, some form of security was in place. I wondered why.

I tried a number of obvious possible passwords without luck. I knew she had only a rudimentary understanding of computers and I suspected any password would be simple or memorable. After giving up trying the obvious possibilities, I sat back to think. As I stared at the screen, I realized the monitor was sitting on a desk pad. I lifted the front edge of the pad and found a small post-it note with four alpha-numeric eight digit codes. I tried the last one and the computer obligingly let me in.

I opened her mail box and found nothing in the inbox. She had created a number of files, all of them seemingly related to her business. I began to systematically go through each one to see if I could find anything of interest. It was a tedious business, but I stuck with it. At length, I opened a file marked Ginny and found a series of e-mails addressed to someone named Ginny.

I began to read them, as this was a completely different type of correspondence than any of the other files. It almost looked like a journal. She was sharing her experiences, opinions and her hopes with what I presumed was another woman. As I read, I was surprised at how frank she was in these messages. She was talking about her life and me and her social and business contacts.

I read five of the messages to begin with before pausing. I thought about what they contained. She was expressing a longing for some stimulation in her life. She professed her love for me, but she was hoping that something exciting might come along to shake her world. That something was undefined until last night when she revealed just what she had in mind.

I continued to read the "Ginny" messages. It was almost like listening to someone in therapy. Unasked questions were answered as if the therapist was with her at the time. When I examined the file in more detail, I noticed that there were no incoming messages from anyone. Only the outgoing messages from Edie to Ginny. Did she delete her incoming? I checked the deleted message file but found nothing. I was getting no useful information except that she was sharing her innermost feelings with someone other than me.

I systematically read the messages in the file for well over an hour until I came across one that stopped me cold. It was tagged "Family" and I couldn't believe what I was reading. In it, Edie confessed to deliberately avoiding getting pregnant early on in our marriage. She wanted no children. She contrived to have me believe that it was a physical problem when all the while she was using birth control. After her career was established, she had her tubes tied to avoid any accidents.

Her reasoning was simple. She didn't want to raise children and have them cramp her social life. After she went back to work, it became an obsession with her. She only barely acknowledged my disappointment. Was she afraid or unwilling to raise mixed race children? I wondered if that was a factor. She hid her treachery well. I never knew until that very moment.

I was angry. This was a long-standing deceit. This could be the one act that would doom our marriage. We had talked about children before we were married and even during the early days. We even laughed about what they might look like. We made jokes about "half and half." There was nothing funny about it any more.

As I thought about what she had done, I began to reflect back on my thoughts of the previous night. I had to admit I knew Edie was selfish. She did those things which satisfied or entertained her, paying only lip-service to the needs of others, including me. Since I acquiesced so readily, she was seldom denied anything. I now knew the extent of my error in judgement. While I was being permissive, Edie was unchallenged. She saw no reason to alter her self-centered lifestyle. That was going to change.

Dealing with the new me was going to be quite a shock to my wife. It would be fascinating to see how she handled it ... assuming she could. I was at the stage where I didn't care. She had conspired to cheat me of a family and for that, I would not forgive her. It only remained now for me to determine if she had already been unfaithful.

I continued on through the file but found no further shocking revelations. Whoever Ginny was, she had a comprehensive knowledge of our personal life. Edie had talked about our sex life. She seemed completely satisfied with it and my performance. There was no hint that I was not treating her with love and respect. It made her declaration last evening even more incomprehensible.

I quickly checked the remaining folders in her mail and found nothing of interest. It was all business related. I closed it and logged off, turning off the computer. I sat back and wondered what next. I glanced at the clock and saw it was past ten and decided that was enough for one night. Ten minutes later I was in the guest room bed and asleep almost immediately. I did not hear Edie come home.

I awoke early again, but my sleep had not been sound. I had drifted off, was then awakened by some violent dream I couldn't remember. I would drift again, then find myself snapped awake, my mind racing to cope with the thoughts that cluttered it.

As I had the day before, I left for work before Edie got up. It was unusual for us not to have some contact during the day, but yesterday was one such day. Today, we would both be home and I expected we would have our talk tonight. I was better prepared with each passing hour and now it was a matter of just what I would reveal to her. I knew for a certainty that I would take charge and direct the conversation. Her days of controlling the agenda were done.

Chapter 4: The Day of Reckoning: Edith

Another night with little sleep. I was exhausted when I arrived home from the theatre opening last night. I should have slept soundly, but the confusion rolling around in my head was preventing that. Two nights of little sleep would not help me cope with what was to come. Perhaps I could nap sometime during the day before Howard got home.

I wasn't very effective last night at the opening. I wasn't concentrating very well. I met all the people I planned to meet, but I couldn't seem to get any meaningful conversations started. Perhaps some rest before my talk with Howard would help settle my mind.

As I lay in bed that morning, I thought about what I must do. I must convince Howard that I have given up any idea of an affair. I must make him believe that I am his exclusively and that my request the other night was nothing more than the ravings of a menopausal woman. Surely he could believe that was possible. I had stopped taking hormone replacement therapy after the health scares. Perhaps I could blame it on that.

I told Ginny about my confrontation with Howard. She scolded me for being so careless. She knew of my desire to take a lover. She does not approve. She warned me that Howard would never accept it. She can't understand why I would want to cheat on him. She sees him as the perfect husband. She's right of course. He is perfect. Too perfect.

Why am I so hell-bent on self-destruction? Why do I think I can have my wonderful husband and another man on the side? I don't understand myself. It's not like I haven't had the experience of other men before Howard and I met. I know the difference. I know how much better Howard is than other men. What is driving me to the edge of this cliff?

Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need psychiatric help. Maybe it does have to do with menopause. Too many questions. Too much confusion. I won't solve these questions lying in bed. It was time to get up and shower. Eat something. Think about what I want to say tonight. Be prepared. Don't let Howard get the upper hand again.

I made it through the day. I lay down after lunch and slept for almost two hours. I felt better for it. But I could feel my nervousness just below the surface. I wasn't calm at all. It was going to make my conversation with my husband that much more difficult this evening if I couldn't get a grip on my emotions and steady myself. By five-thirty I decided to make myself a strong gin and tonic to help my nerves.

Howard arrived at his usual time, just before six. I was waiting for him in the kitchen. I had prepared one of his favorite meals. I wanted him in the best possible mood. I was still unsettled, despite the drink. I would have another when Howard had his usual glass of wine. I could hear his footsteps in the hall.

"Hello, Howard." I'm sure I sounded as tentative as I felt.

"Edith." He was using my formal name. He hadn't called me Edie since that conversation. At least he acknowledged me.

"Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Why don't you freshen up and have a glass of wine while you're waiting."

Nothing out of the ordinary about my suggestion. He nodded and headed upstairs to the bedroom. I made myself another stiff G & T while I waited for his return.

He returned in a few minutes and poured himself his usual Cabernet.

"How was your day?" he asked.

"Uh ... fine. Nothing unusual. Fine." I wasn't very confident and I'm sure he could sense that.

He nodded. There was a deafening silence. I wanted to break it. To say something. At least to make a noise.

"I'm sorry I didn't see you yesterday," I finally managed. "I know you wanted to talk."

"We'll talk after dinner," he said calmly. Calmly! He was calm. There wasn't any sign of discomfort or nerves. Unlike me. I was sure he could read my scrambled emotions.

I busied myself with getting the plates and utensils ready. I needed something to do with my hands. I checked the oven at least twice, trying to make the timer go off sooner. The seconds seemed like minutes and the minutes like hours. Finally, the bell rang and I almost leaped at the oven door.

We ate our meal almost in silence. I made a couple of comments about the opening last night and Howard nodded politely. He said something about arranging a meeting with the Vice President later next week, but I didn't really catch what it was about. I couldn't seem to concentrate. His outward calm was maddening. How could he be so cool when I was in such turmoil?

Finally our meal was done and we cleared the table and put the dishes into the dishwasher. It only took a couple of minutes to wash and dry the items that didn't belong in the machine and we were finished. As always, Howard helped.

When everything was done, I waited for Howard to say something. I knew he recognized I was going to let him take the lead. I just wanted to get this over with.

"Let's go in the living room," he said at last. "I'm going to pour myself a brandy before we talk. Would you like something?"

"Yes ... I think I'll have a G & T," I said, moving quickly to get a glass and the bottles.

He disappeared into his study for a minute and returned with a snifter and sat where he had two nights previously. I returned from the kitchen and sat in the chair opposite, just as I had as well. It was about to begin and I was anxious about what would happen in the next few minutes.

Chapter 5: The Declaration: Howard

I willed myself to be calm and collected. I could see just how unsettling my behavior was to Edie and I wanted to maintain that edge. I would continue to call her by her formal name. There would be no endearments tonight.

"Edith, I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say. This will not be a two-way discussion. I will tell you what I want to tell you and you will listen. If you cannot, then there is no need for us to discuss anything. I will give you every chance to speak, but not tonight. Do I make myself clear?"

Her eyes had widened. This, once again, wasn't what she expected. She nodded her understanding.

"Well then. Let me first tell you the consequences of your ... admission on Monday evening. The first and foremost is my deep disappointment in your lack of respect for me."

I saw her head jerk up and she was about to say something when I held up my hand. She stopped, the breath coming out of her at the same time.

"I don't know how I would ever have given you the idea that I would sit still while you made a cuckold of me. If you think my years of submitting myself to your whims turned me into a spineless wimp, you have another think coming.

"I want to repeat what I said then. I will not tolerate any infidelity on your part. If you choose to ignore my warning, I will divorce you and I can tell you as a certainty that there will be no reconciliation. Do I make myself completely understood?"

I had spoken very forcefully, using the full effect of my voice to underscore my determination.

"Yes, I understand. But ...."

I held up my hand once again to remind her of my intention to deliver rather than to receive.

"You have badly damaged our relationship. You have undermined the foundations of our marriage and cast doubt upon your fidelity. You have destroyed the one thing on which good marriages are founded: trust. You have brought doubt into my mind. Doubt I never had before. I am not sure our marriage will survive that."

I saw her suck in her breath and her eyes go wide. I had hit her hard with that. I had sown the seeds of uncertainty in her mind as well. Uncertainty about her future with me.

"I have had some time to think about what I will do, now that you have created this situation. You profess to love me and until this past Monday, I had every reason to believe you. Now ... I'm not so sure."

Again she rose in her chair as if to say something ... to contest my misgivings. This time I just stared at her silently and she slumped back into the chair, saying nothing.

"You tell me you would never hurt me, and yet you would humiliate me by giving yourself to another man. I can't imagine how you would think I would not feel pain from that. I wonder, after all these years, if you really know me? You certainly have me wondering if I know you.

"I blame myself for not being more assertive in our marriage. I allowed your success and your social contacts to deprecate my role. In retrospect, that was a mistake. I am not now, nor will I ever be your footboy. I am an equal in this marriage and I will accept nothing less.

"I have come to realize, Edith, that you are selfish. You think of yourself first to the exclusion of all others, including me. Are the people you associate with really friends? Can you count on them when you truly need them?

I want you to think about our old true friends, Edith. Where are they? Do you ever think of them? I know the answer of course. I have maintained contact with most of them. I am welcome in their homes. Have you wondered why we don't entertain them any more? Is it because they serve no useful purpose for you?"

I let that shot be absorbed before continuing. I could see the bewildered and hurt look on her face as I continued this unrelenting attack.

"If this marriage is to continue ... and I do mean if ... there will have to be changes in your attitude.

"I will resume attending your social functions and I will be treated as your husband and not as an afterthought. If you cannot bring yourself to do that simple thing, then there is no need for us to continue.

This time she didn't respond. I wondered if I might have gone overboard with my demands. If so, so be it.

"We will resume inviting our true friends to our home and you will treat them as friends. You need to reestablish your links to these people. They were with us long before you swam in the limelight of your success. Have you ever wondered where I was while you were off at your galas and dinner parties? More often than not, I was spending some very pleasant hours with those people.

"And here's something else for you to think about. It wasn't long before they stopped asking about you."

"I understand you have another social engagement tomorrow night. I will not be attending it with you as I have a prior engagement myself. However, if we chose to continue as a couple, I will make sure I am available in the future.

"In the meantime, I want you to think about what I have said this evening. I don't want answers or excuses tonight. I want you to give my next questions your full attention and we will discuss them Friday evening.

"First, do you want this marriage to continue? If so, will you repudiate any intention to become involved with any other man? If not, say so. I will contact my lawyer and instruct him to begin divorce proceedings immediately. It is not negotiable.