There Must Be A Mistake Ch. 26

"Grandpa boring."

"I'm sorry Teddy, what would you like to do?"

"Banilla ice cream, chocolate syrup."

"I'm sorry little one, no ice cream until food."

"I cry."

"Your mommy used to cry for hours. I sat her in a corner facing the wall, until she stopped. Would you like me to do that with you?"

"Not fair."

"In the corner or food?"

"What kind food?"

"Oatmeal."

"splahscdhgdns."

"You don't like oatmeal?"

"Dog."

"No hotdog, you will choke. Do you like chicken?"

"Fries?"

"If you eat your chicken, you can have some French fries."

"Banilla ice cream chocolate syrup?"

"Whipped cream and cherries?"

"Yes, yes, yes, please."

"Come on gang it's time to eat."

"Hold on a moment Even, I have to wipe this from the memory of the computer. I told Holden I would do it."

"If you promised Holden you would do it, do it."

"Holden why don't you watch Uncle Gray, and see how it's done."

"Thanks dad, I'll be right back."

"Teddy toilet?"

"Okay."

"Do any of you gentlemen have to use the bathroom?"

Gray raised his hand.

"Does anyone else have to go? Remember it's a long trip to the restaurant."

Richard said, "Okay dad, we got your message. We are all going to the bathroom."

"What a wonderful choice. Uncle Gray will lead the way. He knows it so well."

"Teddy, I can't wait to you tell mommy what God told you. I think she's going to love you even more than she does already."

"Mommy say I special all time."

"You certainly are a sweetheart, and don't let anyone tell you different."

*****************

I was having such a great time with the kids, before I realized it; it was 5:15 PM

"Holy crap I have to leave. Why didn't you guys say anything?"

"We were going to give you five more minutes, and then we were going to grab you by the collar, and throw you in the car."

"Goodbye all, I see you next week."

The police cars were already in position as I jumped in to the back of the SUV. As soon as I buckled up, we were off. We hit every red light, but sirens will get everyone to stop, and let you through. In five minutes, we were on the highway heading towards Austin. I didn't look at the speedometer, because I didn't want to know. Everything was a blur. It seemed like moments later when the tires screeched to a halt.

We pulled up in front of the Hyatt at 6:15 PM. I thanked the officers, and gave them each $500 extra because they got me here before my wife would beat me to death. They thanked me, told me if I ever need their services again they would happily oblige.

I had my agent call upstairs to see if my wife was there already. I was told she was not. I got into the elevator with a great sense of relief. As I was approaching the room, the agent said good afternoon Doctor, but he couldn't look me in the eye. I had a feeling something was up.

Not being born stupid I said to Larry, "Come with me."

With great trepidation, he stood in front of me as I opened the door. I said nothing because no one was supposed to be in there. Holding on to the back of his jacket, we move slowly into the room.

Suddenly, from the right side, the three women popped out with industrial size cans of whipped cream and fired them in my direction. They were so enthralled with what they were doing they didn't realize they were soaking Larry to the bone with their whipped cream, and not me.

When their cans were empty Jennifer yelled, "I got you, you son of a bitch."

I popped out from behind Larry, dry as a bone and said, "You certainly did."

The three ladies screamed and charged at me. I used Larry as a shield, and every time they got close, they got whipped cream on themselves.

When they finally calmed down, I told Larry take the evening off.

"Did we have fun this afternoon girls? It's 6:20 PM, and I am back early. You three are early, why is that? Did you have some evil plan cooked up for me?"

"I didn't hear an answer Jennifer? Was this your idea of a joke? You knew I was wearing my finest outfit and you wanted to ruin it. Was this your idea my love?"

"No, it wasn't."

"Roslyn, I'm ashamed of you. I never thought you would do something like this to me. You did it to Rod, but he is your husband."

"No Even, it wasn't me either."

"Do you mean to say; no; it's not possible? She would never, on her worst day do something like that to her father. Would she?

Delicious stop looking at the floor and look at me. It was you. Your eyes tell the tale. Why would you attack your father in his finest outfit?"

"I've never seen you strut like a peacock before dad. I wanted to take you down a peg, because of what you said to Jennifer. You looked so good in that outfit; it wasn't fair. Gray doesn't look that good, when he gets dressed up, and I was jealous."

"May I remind you of the night that you got dressed up, when you were only 17 years old. I almost did not let you out of the house, because your baby fat turned into muscle and your dress seem to have shrunk in all the wrong places. The only reason I allowed you out was because you were going with your future husband. He walked down the steps in black boots, black jeans, a white western styled shirt, and a black Western vest, and he topped it off with a cowboy hat. You got jealous that night too. You said to him, "The man is not supposed to look prettier than the girl."

He replied in a Western twang, "No one in the great state of Texas looks prettier than my lady."

"How do you remember all this stuff dad?"

"Because you're my daughter, and when it comes to my daughter, I remember everything."

She jumped out of her chair, and attempted to hug me to death, while she cried.

"If you and Gray want to go someplace fancy and play dress-up, you only have three months to do it. Don't put it off; your mom and I will always take care of the kids."

"Thanks daddy, maybe we will."

"Dallas is only 90 miles away, and with an escort, it's less than an hour away."

"Is that how you do it?"

"Is that how we do what dear?"

"Is that how you get from place to place so quickly?"

"Our drivers follow the speed limit all the time, just ask them."

"Our guys would jump into an ocean filled with sharks for you."

"I would certainly hope not, that would be exceedingly dangerous."

"Dad you are so full of crap."

"It's time for you to go home. Remember to ask Teddy what God said to her just before she was born. She told me and I told her to tell daddy. She told me to have him sit on the floor; otherwise, he would hurt himself. I told Gray he had two choices get on the floor or hold on real tight. He asked my opinion, I told him to get on the floor. He asked me if it was really as bad as it seemed. I think that's as far as I will go. Sit on something soft, and have Gray hold Teddy when she tells you. It was the funniest thing I have ever heard."

"Dad that's not fair, you can't do that to me."

"Who tried to shoot me with whipped cream?"

"Okay, Roz were leaving."

"Baby, after Teddy tells you, call Roz and let her know what she said. Do not call my wife that is her punishment for getting involved in this treachery."

"Even, you may not live, unless I get a phone call."

"It solves the problem with the divorce."

Delicious yelled, "What divorce?"

"My wife threatened to divorce me this morning, among many other things. Some of them were very painful."

I locked the door, and I began walking back to living area. I removed my jacket and saw Jennifer blocking my path. I moved around the dining table, but she moved to block my path again.

"Is there something I should know dear?"

"Where were you today?"

"I was with my son-in-law, children, and my grandchildren. If you want proof of that, you can call Gray. Why am I being interrogated? Have I done something wrong?"

"You got all dressed up to go see your grandchildren?"

"No, I got dressed up to piss you off. From your reaction, I would say it worked. I was back on time. Actually, I was 10 minutes early. Would you like to check my underwear for stains, or lipstick? I thought we settled that before we parted."

"I'm acting foolishly aren't I?"

"Do you think you are? If you have any doubts about where I have been, call your sons and speak to them. They are at the ages they don't know how to lie, and they definitely would not lie to their mother.

Holden had a bet with Teddy about the rear struts with the nuclear engines. Holden said they were in the right position. Teddy said the struts would cave in because there was too much pressure on them. Teddy said they had to be moved in 27 inches towards the center. The bet was over ice cream. Teddy wins she gets his. Holden wins he gets hers. Gray ran the numbers through the computer a second time and found Teddy was correct. Holden was not happy, but it wasn't about the ice cream."

"Are you hungry Even?"

"I could eat."

"Here or downstairs?"

"As always it's your choice."

"It's safer for me up here, I want to order champagne."

"You have nothing to do tomorrow. You can drink all the champagne you want, and sleep the day away tomorrow. Beside that you also know there's a second bathroom in this apartment."

"I could have killed you this morning."

"You should've read the fire escape plan."

"What is it with you and Delicious and fire escape plans?"

"Do you know the fastest way to get out of this building?"

"Yes, look for the exit signs."

"If the fire just happens to be between you and the exit sign, where is the next one?"

"I have no idea."

"My dear that is the reason you read the fire escape plan. You are 21 floors up, and as you have told me, if you jump you are not going to bounce."

Jen came to me, kissed me, and put her head on my chest. "I'm sorry; I don't know what got into me today."

"I do. Two and half bottles of champagne, five and half hours of sleep and a headache when you woke up this morning. Then you picked a fight with me this morning. I should have ended it, but I didn't, which only made it worse for you. Now you are extremely tired, and what you need is sleep. What you are going to do is get naked, take a long hot shower, and get into bed. I will order dinner at 9 o'clock. When it gets here, I will wake you up. After I finished my dinner, I will take a long hot shower and go to bed. Does that sound good?"

"We will talk about that last part later, but I agree with the first part. I'm going to take a shower and go to sleep."

"Shall I join you in bed?"

"If you do, I'll never get any sleep."

"Oh well, I guess I'll watch television."

"Thank you, Even; you have no idea how tired I am."

Jennifer went into our bedroom, stripped, and took a long hot shower.

Being the sneaky bastard I am, I left a note on her pillow.

"Dearest, I realized I was tired also. In order to keep my promise not to go to bother you while you are in bed, I am going to sleep in the second bedroom. I have set the alarm for 9 o'clock. I will call for dinner at that time. Sleep well my love, I will dream only of you. 'Odd or Even'

When I signed a card, or sent her a letter with that salutation, when I was out of town, she always laughed. That was not the reaction I was hoping for this time.

Jennifer walked out to the bathroom with a towel wrapped like a turban on top of her head. She went towards the bed for the nightgown she laid out, and saw my note laying against her pillow. She read it, smiled, and laid it on the end table. She finished drying her hair, and got into bed.

She lay there restlessly, turned on the end table light, and read the note one more time. She tried to convince herself I was going to sleep. She was sure I wanted her to go to sleep. Then she gazed at the end of my note "Odd, or Even"

She sat up and screamed, "That lying son of a bitch. He's in there waiting for me. He can wait until hell freezes over. I'm not going."

She laid back down facing the wall waiting for me to show up. Five, ten, fifteen minutes past, and her blood pressure was setting new records.

"If he's awake, he is going to be chopped up into little pieces, and served in salads for the next month."

Surreptitiously, she crossed from her bedroom to mine. I was lying there making the little noises I make while I sleep.

She thought, "He couldn't possibly know he makes those noises while he sleeps."

She felt guilty again for doubting me. She was about to close the door when I groggily said, "I can smell your presence Jennifer. What do you need? Are you hungry?"

"No, I was lonely. I missed you in my bed. I thought you might be awake, and I could join you, but you were sleeping peacefully. I'm sorry I woke you."

"Would you like to join me here, or should I join you in our room?"

"I'll join you."

"You look very beautiful tonight, my love. Three wonderful children and no one could ever tell."

"You are a liar Doctor Luck, but I'll take any compliments I can get."

"Jen have you ever taken the time to look at yourself in a full-length mirror? They don't lie. You are the most beautiful woman God ever created. How I was the lucky man to meet you, fall in love, and marry you. I will never know, but I thank God every day for you."

"Even, if you don't stop this, I'm going to cry."

"Why would you cry over the truth? If you said no, we would be living in the deep woods of Alaska, with 10 children, living off the land. I never would have let you go. I loved you from the moment I looked into your sparking black eyes on the airplane. Come here, and let me hold you. We will fall asleep that way."

Although initially I had other plans, that's what we did. We spooned, and I held my wife tight to my body. At 9 PM, I received my wake-up call. I went into the living room, and ordered dinner. Her meal would be a surprise, and I ordered an alternate one for her just in case she balked on the primary one.

There was a knock on our door just before 10 PM, and I was told dinner was here. Our agent walked in with our server, to make sure nothing untoward happened. As soon as the table was set and everything removed, I went to wake my lady up. It was not an easy task.

Finally, I said, "Jennifer, I am holding a bucket of ice water directly over your head. In 15 seconds, you are going to be the coldest naked woman on this planet. As always, the choice is yours. I'm counting: 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..."

"Don't you dare drop that on me, I am up. I am sitting up. Now I am standing up. Are you happy now?"

She turned, and looked at me. "Where is your bucket of ice water?"

"It's in your mind. As long as you thought I had it, you moved like the wind. Otherwise, I would have had to use harsher methods. I don't want dinner or you to get cold. Would you like to put your nightgown on, or are you going to eat eau natural?"

"Which would you prefer Even?"

"I could look at you like this forever, and never get tired."

"Then this is the way I'm eating dinner."

She sat down, and I pushed her chair in. I took a napkin and placed it across her lap. I took a bib and tied it around her neck.

"Even, this sort of ruins the view."

"I know dear, but you do not know what I ordered you for dinner."

"This should be very interesting."

"I am happy I am on the other side of the table, with a floral arrangement in the center. I am going to give you your plate covered, but you cannot open it until I sit down. Agreed?"

"Is it alive?"

"No, I checked, it is definitely not alive. They are cooked to perfection."

I put her plate in front of her, and hurried to my side of the table.

"What did you get Even?"

"Atlantic salmon, served on the bed dirty rice. Asparagus with hollandaise sauce and for dessert Banilla ice cream with chocolate syrup. You may open yours now dear."

With great trepidation, she tipped over the aluminum cover until she could see what I ordered for her.

She screamed, "Prawns, you are finally letting me have prawns?"

"I was thinking of you, when you went shopping today. You have one week to recover, if they are bad. I can nurse you back to health by having sex with you every day, in every way, and you will have no way to stop me."

"We have had sex in every way, every day since we got here. What would my being sick have to do with it?"

"I've never had sex with a sick woman before. It would be a first for me."

"You idiot, everything you do with a woman is new for you."

"Oh yes, I forgot about that."

"Lame brain, thank God, you're a genius; otherwise, you would cut your hands off. Come to think of it you never told me what Teddy told Gray."

"I will not tell you, because that is part of your punishment."

"Even how much shit do you want to be in tonight?"

"How high can you bite?"

"High enough to reach your carotid artery."

"If Delicious calls in the morning, and she doesn't know yet you must not tell her."

"Okay Even, tell me what Teddy said."

"Move back from your meal. Trust me this is important, otherwise it will be all over you."

"Is this far enough?"

"Yes. Teddy told me, and I quote, 'God have funny sense of humor. I be tall like daddy, have mouth like mommy."

Jennifer fell off her chair laughing. "Holy shit, poor Gray; what is he going to do with the two of them on board a tiny spaceship?"

"Babe, my first thought was him jumping out as we were passing Heliopause. The only problem is Teddy would tattle on him, and Delicious would not let him get away with it. She wouldn't want to be left alone with Teddy."

"Hell, neither would I. When did God tell her this?"

"Teddy said just before she was born."

"If you believe the Scriptures, that's when She gives us a soul."

"In Gray and Delicious case, she gave our Teddy, a sense of humor then too."

"May She give them the wisdom to raise her properly."

*************

"The house is still here; what is broken inside?"

"If you keep yelling like that, you are going to wake up the children."

"Bullshit, you have never been able to put our two kids to sleep at one time. Now you expect me to believe you put all four of the kids to sleep by yourself."

"Bathe, brushed, and bed, you can check for yourself."

Delicious walked down the hallway looking for a trap. Every time she opened a bedroom door, she found a sleeping child. She walked in, kissed the sleeping boy good night, and moved on to the next room.

Then she came to her terrors room. She was lying on her back, playing with her blanket, not bothering anyone.

Delicious walked over to her and asked, "What are you doing awake?"

"Too many cherries."

"Does your belly hurt?"

"Yes. Toilet very soon."

"I think I will take you there now."

"Yes."

Delicious barely had her settled on the seat, when Teddy exploded.

Delicious turned on the bathroom fan.

She laughed. "Stinky Teddy."

"No cherries."

"Was it the cherries, or too much ice cream?"

"Grandpa, chicken, French fries, one banilla ice cream whipped cream cherries. No more."

"You had dinner, before you had ice cream."

"Everyone, daddy too."

"Tummy better now?"

"Still hurt."

"Do you want mommy to rub it?"

"Come out wrong end."

"It is going to come out your mouth?"

"Yes, now."

Delicious grabbed a towel and put it under Teddy's chin. It seemed to her that everything Teddy had eaten since she was born came out.

"Gray get in here."

Gray sauntered in and was about to ask what Delicious needed, when he saw what was happening.

He ran to the linen closet and grabbed three large bath towels. He threw two on the floor, and one on the vanity. Then he proceeded to strip.

"What are you doing Gray?"

"I'm doing the correct ecological thing."

He opened the shower door, turned on the water and waited for it to become the correct temperature. When it was, he removed Teddy from Delicious arms and took her into the shower with him. He removed her clothes and began to wash her.