Saving Grace

"Really? You mean it?" Grace sounded like an excited little girl. It made me smile. "I'd love to. There are some really fine examples of modernist and post-modernist works."

We arranged to meet mid-morning at the museum. I hung up feeling elated.

***

TUESDAY

I seemed to be thinking about Grace constantly and wishing it was Wednesday. I felt like a little kid the night before Christmas – it seemed to take forever.

***

WEDNESDAY

Grace led me through the gallery. We went from the impressionists to the minimalists with detours through the surrealists and pop art in their historical order. Grace expounded on each artist and their contribution, explaining the works. She was brilliant; voluble, entertaining and animated, describing and peppering each period and artist with revealing anecdotes. She was a different person when she was talking about something that obviously ignited her passion.

I couldn't help asking, "Have you ever thought of doing this with groups Grace? You're so good at it. Or lecturing?"

She looked a little "hunted" again as she said, "No. No lecturing."

"You'd be great at it I think," I said with enthusiasm.

"No, I couldn't talk in front of people. That's not me."

I couldn't help pointing out, "You have with me Grace."

"That's different!"

"Why?"

"Because it's just you."

"Thanks Grace," I said putting on a pout.

She responded with vehemence. "No! That's not what I meant. I mean, I feel comfortable with you and I...I like you. You make me feel that I can be myself...safe and..."

"It's OK Grace."

Grace looked quite intense as she said, "No, no it's not Jamie. I had reservations, strong reservations about meeting you. Anyone. It was only because of Madeleine hounding me that I went out with you. "

Grace's eyes became unfocussed and she looked pensive, almost sad as she continued, "I haven't had any sort of relationship for a long time and I was alright with it. Well, I thought I was but...things have changed. I'm sorry Jamie, you probably think I'm strange. The weird old librarian. I'm sorry, I'm not usually like this...I know there can't be anything...this can't go anywhere...I mean our ages..."

I took both her hands in mine, led her to a reproduction baroque settee, sat us down and tried to make a start. It was hard for me to say what I felt. It was hard for me to know what I felt.

"Grace. I need to say this and it's not easy."

I saw Grace's face tighten as she closed her eyes and bit the inside of her lip. Did she think I was going to 'break up' with her; limit or define our relationship?

"Grace, it might not show but I'm scared. Things between us seemed to have happened so fast but I don't want that to stop...it scares me but exhilarates me at the same time." I shook my head and stated a simple truth, "You're wonderful." Grace opened her eyes and a tentative smile started to form. "I know this might sound extreme and I don't want to scare you off, okay, but I haven't felt like this about anyone, ever. This is all new for me. Forgive me Grace, I'm not usually so...I don't know." And I didn't.

Grace's smile broadened and her face took on a certain 'softness,' a vulnerability, before she said, "I don't want it to stop either. It is scary but I'm willing to...take the risk...see what happens, if you are."

I just nodded then we briefly kissed. "Perhaps we should go somewhere, eat – I feel a little woozy. Don't know why," I said.

"Yes, I feel a bit the same. We've probably both got low blood sugar." We shared an amused look.

"I thought we could go down by the river. I packed a picnic basket with some stuff I cooked..."

She laughed. "You've cooked for me! Oh Jamie, that's lovely."

"And it's not even breakfast."

The day was beautiful. Things looked brighter, crisper, more real somehow.

We walked hand in hand to the car. I didn't feel the need to say anything. I would have been happy to just keep walking forever. We found a quiet spot near the river and I put down the blanket. Grace was all 'Oooo's' and 'Ahhh's' as I opened the cooler bag and brought out the Vietnamese cold rolls, bun cha and braised bitter melon stuffed with pork I'd made and opened the sparkling burgundy.

We fed each other titbits, kissing briefly between bites.

"Jamie, can I ask you something?" she seemed tentative.

"Of course, Grace. Anything – truly."

"Doesn't my age put you off? I must be ten, fifteen years older than you."

"No. You're nothing like I thought you'd be. I couldn't believe it when I first saw you at the restaurant. You looked so young...and so beautiful...my pretty girl."

She laid her head against my shoulder and took my hands. "I love it when you call me your pretty girl. I feel like I am. The other night when you said it for the first time in front of Dianne and the others...I...I don't know. Something inside me seemed to...turn over and wake up. I think that's when things started to change for me."

We lay back and I cradled Grace's head on my shoulder. We were quiet for what seemed a long time but I could feel that Grace wanted to say something more.

"It's OK Grace. Say whatever you need to. If you're having second thoughts we can talk..."

She rolled over on top of me and looked deeply into my eyes. She smiled. For some reason I felt relieved. Then she laughed. "No. Nothing like that. I have to catch the train to Armidale at six tonight and see my supervisor tomorrow. About my PhD research. I thought perhaps we could meet for dinner tomorrow evening after I get back."

I started to respond but she continued, "Then I want you to come back to my place. I think it's time. Maybe I'll get breakfast?"

I couldn't help but laugh.

***

THURSDAY

I spent the day trying, (and failing), to concentrate on writing up casenotes and doing a bit of research. I'd start off okay then find that I'd been thinking about Grace and tonight and fifteen or twenty minutes had passed. I'd get annoyed at myself for being this 'stuck' about a woman and tell myself to concentrate but it was like my brain didn't seem to be my own. Pretty soon thoughts of Grace would fill my head and I'd feel both excited and nervous.

It was a relief when five-thirty came around and I could leave the University library and head toward the Dinner Club, 'our restaurant'. We'd agreed to meet at six and I'd left my car in the uni carpark so we could walk back together after our meal and no doubt some dancing.

It was a beautiful afternoon and I was imagining how sweet it would be to finally be with Grace completely.

I was brought out of my reverie by someone yelling, "Hey, Jamie. You stuck up or something?"

I looked behind me to where a heavily pregnant young woman was carefully negotiating the stairs from the University Hospital.

"I called out to you three times," she said, "You going deaf or what?"

"Sorry, I was miles away," I responded, gave her cheek a kiss and said, "Anyway, you're looking sexy as always."

"Ha! Ha! You're a riot. I feel like a whale about to give birth to a watermelon." I took her arm and we walked a few paces to a cast iron bench under a plane tree where she sat with an "Ooofff..."

"So blossom, when's he or she due?" I asked, gently patting her belly.

"He, was due about two months ago from the feel of it. Actually in about a week. It looks like Dave will get back this Sunday."

"That's great news. We'll have to get together soon," I said.

A car beeped, did a u-turn and pulled up near us. "Aaaah! Great, that's Chloe. She's giving me a lift home."

As I went to kiss her goodbye I felt a hard rap on my shoulder and as I turned, what felt like a hammer-blow to my cheek brought tears to my eyes and sent me off balance and down to the pavement. By the time I'd got myself up off of the ground I could see Grace, short black dress flying and hair streaming behind her as she ran toward the hospital taxi rank.

I yelled but she didn't turn, just flung open the door of the front cab and seconds later she was gone.

After briefly and no doubt inadequately apologising to a non-plussed Carmen, I ran to my car and drove to Grace's. I knocked repeatedly on the door and windows with no response. I stood there at a loss for a while. All I could do was wait in my car and hope she'd show up at some stage. Then it struck me – Madeleine's. She'd go there.

I rang, praying that Madeleine would answer. After at least a dozen rings while I held my breath it was picked up. I started to say Madeleine's name and was cut off by yelling that almost blew out my eardrum.

"You prick! You selfish prick! Do you know what you've done to her? Her first boyfriend was an abusive, philandering arsehole. Her husband almost destroyed her. Not wanting children he said, then leaving her for one of his students - his pregnant student! So you've got a pregnant girlfriend you..."

I interjected quickly, "Oh shit... Madeleine you've got to listen to me. Just let me say one word please, Then I'll shut up."

She was almost screaming. "There's nothing you could ever say that..."

"Carmen!" I yelled down the phone, "Carmen!"

Madeleine started to yell again then went quiet. I could almost hear her brain working.

After what seemed an eternity, "Oh, shit...the Carmen I met at your parent's place – your cousin Carmen? Blonde and tall and eyebrow-pierced Carmen?"

"Yes! Exactly! You remember Dave? He was going on deployment in Afghanistan. She's hoping he'll get back before the birth. She was in town for a scan. She's almost due..."

"Shit! Shit! Shit!" There was a long pause. "OK, listen. I'll talk to her. It may take a while. She's not in any state to listen at the moment. Go home. I'll text you when I take Grace back to her apartment and I'll meet you there.

***

Waiting for Madeleine's text was exquisite torture. Finally around 9pm it came.

I drove up, parked behind Madeleine's car on which she was leaning and joined her.

"I've explained it to her in my own inimitable way. She's calmed down now. Feeling desolate and guilty for doubting you and for hitting you. But she'll be okay... just go to her."

I was silent for a while thinking about how things were so simple before I met Madeleine. And Grace.

Madeleine interjected into the silence, "You're angry."

I exploded. "I don't know what I feel! Since you set me up with Grace it's like I'm going crazy sometimes. And you! You're like some inscrutable Greek goddess dispensing her idea of justice – all I see are punishments and rewards Madeleine, not behaviour and consequences. Can you blame me Maddie? Me, some tool for your purposes. A willing one before, I admit. But this...with Grace. Am I not supposed to feel a bit resentful, a bit used?"

Madeleine didn't answer for some time, seeming to mull my statements over. "That's what you think? Punishments and rewards. Really Jamie? Cast your mind back to the 'punishments and rewards'. Maybe you don't know everything. Maybe I shouldn't have kept some things from you."

She continued after a long pause. "Giving you instructions on what I wanted done with my so-called 'friends'. Sharon. Cyclically emotionally abused, feeling worthless and starting to covertly self-harm. Now... now feeling like she's loveable. Worthy of love, and in a relationship with someone who actually cares about her. Because all she really needed was for someone to treat her as desirable and worthwhile – which you did. And remember Lindy? Useless and hopeless, her own words to me. Confident enough to go back to study so she can start her own business now."

There was silence for a while before she continued almost sadly. "Do you want me to go on? My real friends; Grace. Grace...and you."

She regarded me coolly. "Yes, feeling things can hurt. Like most guys though, you're not getting upset, you're getting angry. And you're lashing out at whoever's available – displacement, just like a normal person."

I couldn't respond. I was stunned. I hadn't even considered this. Madeleine whom I'd thought a sociopath just like me – intent only on doing good, on healing people? Were all my preconceptions, my beliefs awry?

Before I could clarify my thoughts she continued. "You can think I'm a manipulative bitch and even that I have delusions of omnipotence if you like." She kissed me gently on the cheek then left me in turmoil with her last questions, posed quietly before she walked away. "Just ask yourself this though Jamie. How damaged were you? And are you the same person you were before you met Grace, or are you different now?"

My brain was whirling but I had to put my thoughts aside. I had to see Grace. Now!

***

Grace threw open the door seemingly before my descending knuckIes touched it. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her makeup smeared where tears had coursed through it – she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Before she could speak I gathered her face in my hands. "Oh Grace. My Grace. I thought I'd lost you." I kissed her eyelids, then her brow, then her perfect lips.

Our kisses gradually became more intense, more carnal. Grace amazed me. God, she had a sexy tongue and she really knew how to kiss. It went on and on. I backed her up against the wall where she had a little wooden footstool. We were really kissing deeply, both stroking each other all over. I slowly undid her blouse and she surprised me again when she started stroking my hardness through my pants. I pulled her blouse off her shoulders and put her arms behind her back. I'm sure she thought I was going to undo the buttons at her cuffs, if she was thinking anything, and take it right off. I pulled it down her arms then took the ends and tied them around her wrists. She pulled her head back a bit, seemed to come back from wherever she was and said "What are you doing?"

I must admit I may have smiled a bit leeringly but my voice would have been gentle when I said, "Whatever I want."

Her eyes went wide and she gave out a small "Ohhh..." but she didn't tell me to stop.

I went to my knees in front of her undid the button then the zip on her little black skirt and watched it slide down and pool at her feet. I pulled the g-string down her legs. She had pretty incredible legs, (especially in sheer black stockings and two inch heels), then pulled it off of her left leg and started twisting it around to make into a sort of short rope.

I slid it back up her right leg until it was behind her knee and said, "Lift honey. Spread those beautiful legs for me." She moaned as I looped the twisted "g" over the doorknob and placed her right foot on that little footstool. I stood back and looked at her. So good; arms tied behind her, thrusting her chest forward, right leg at an angle, the wonderful swoop of her belly to her sex, which looked swollen and red. Her breasts hung so beautifully with this gorgeous curve at the bottom - so ripe. Her nipples were large, hard and erect. I grabbed her chin and her eyes opened and she stared into mine.

"I am going to make you feel so good Grace, you'll never want me to stop and you'll never want me to let you go." I kissed her gently and ran the tip of my tongue around the corner of her mouth and began moving my eyelashes up and down, touching her cheeks like butterfly wings.

She moaned and tried to press her forward, murmuring "Please, please...." I slid down her body blowing air gently between my pursed lips at one nipple then the other.

She moaned some more and I said, "You beautiful thing. I bet you could come without me even touching you." I went lower and puffed air against her swollen, almost purple labia. She pushed herself forward toward my mouth her moans rising in intensity. I saw her engorged clit and started blowing rhythmically on it.

Her moans rose again, louder and faster and I must admit she shocked me when she started pleading, "Oh please, please, chew my clit. Let me cum!"

I just kept blowing. I thought of stopping completely and wondered how much she'd beg to be allowed her release but I took pity on her and kept up the blowing. She began shaking her head from side to side and droplets of sweat were being flung from her hair.

As I kept it up her cries got louder and louder. I paused briefly and looked at her – so beautiful, before I said, "Cum for me Grace. Cum for me, my pretty girl," and resumed her torture. After a few more minutes of this she suddenly went silent and started shaking, her whole body twitching like someone having a seizure. Her head jerked back hitting gently against the wall again and again as she quivered, not making any other sound.

Finally her head drooped forward and she started to slump. I caught her with difficulty, unlooped the g-string from the doorknob and carried her to her bed where I lay down next to her and gently stroked and kissed her face and neck.

She was crying so quietly, like a little child and I felt something I hadn't felt before and had trouble putting a name to. Then I realised. I felt so much tenderness toward her it actually hurt. It was a sweet kind of pain though with no locus. I undid the blouse holding her wrists together then the buttons on the cuffs and took it off. I gathered her in my arms and rocked her as softly as I could; calling her "my beautiful" and "my gorgeous thing" and telling her it was alright.

Eventually her tears stopped and she opened her eyes and looked at me. I swear I saw something in them I'd never seen before in my life, this wondering look that was part pleasure but mostly surprise and something else - love?

Hesitantly she started to speak, "I never...I've never...I didn't know..." then shook her head and went quiet again. I kept on gently stroking her face and after a minute she tried again. "Oh God, Jamie..... I've never felt anything like that before.... I've had plenty of orgasms but never anything like that. I feel like the most desirable woman in the world. How did you know? How could you know to do that?"

Her fingers touched my cheek gently, slid behind my neck and pulled me to her, giving me a brief, perfect kiss then she softly breathed, "Make love to me Jamie."

It was like there was a sudden incandescent explosion in my head. My Eureka! moment. Those five simple words. Not screw me, shag me, fuck me or a dozen other euphemisms but, "Make love to me Jamie."

My breath hitched in my throat. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. There was pounding in my chest and my head. This incredible creature wanted me to make love to her and now I knew I could. I wanted to so much. All I could do was nod.

Eventually I stood and undressed, constantly looking at my beautiful Grace. Finally naked, I saw her regard me openly, running her eyes up and down my body before she smiled and stretched out her open arms toward me.

As I joined her, looking down at her, her words echoed my only thought as she said, "I want you so much." I gently pushed into her warm, tight wetness. "Oh! Oh! Oh yes," she moaned as she arched her back and pushed herself further onto me.

I think I moaned, I don't know. I was discontinuous with the world. There was only Grace and our need. I don't know how long we moved with each other, Grace's soft sounds counterpointed by mine. Shivers and jerks of electric bliss seemed to be going through both our bodies and I'm sure my smile matched Grace's own. Then slowly her expression changed to one that was almost fierce. She grabbed my hair and with surprising strength rolled us over until she was sitting astride me.

She moved up and down on me, occasionally grinding or flicking her hips. I lay back. The pleasure I felt was indescribable. I was spellbound watching this wild woman, an elemental in female guise, make love to me. Tears started to flow freely down the sides of my face, dampening the pillow and all I could do was hoarsely whisper her name, again and again. I was lost, floating, outside time and space.